Drink to that

To old friends returning.
To new puppies.
To potential business.
To finally knowing who I am without you.
To tattoos.
To those that went before.
To knowing I am loved.
To a nomad life.
To music.
To the ability to sing.
To yoga.
To family.
To vet bills I can pay.
To friendships I know will last.
To the ones I know won't.
To impulse.
To good planning.
To hope in hopeless situations.
To knowing that life goes on.
To not going through everyone else's bullshit drama.
To a God who loves me despite flaws.

Rain

I love the rain. Always have.
(Besides a brief period of my childhood I was scared of getting sucked up by tornados.)
Even more than rain I love storms!
Adore them.
The lightning.
The thunder.
The cold.
The dark foreboding clouds.
When the electricity goes out I can hardly conceal my utter delight!

This morning was one of those morning, minus the electricity going out.
Total down pour. A little hail. Thunder that make the building shake.
And I was watching out the window thinking about how I don't understand being scared of a storm mostly because I'm safe in a building.

I had a dream a few weeks ago that I was in a storm like that but in the ocean. Just me and my little boat.
And I was TERRIFIED.
Of a storm. Something I love so much.
And suddenly Alex was there.
And he took my hand.
And he told me I would be ok.

And I will be.

Also this morning I realized I was glad that I had kept my heart open and foolish. I'm glad I hope. Once again, I'll be ok. I would rather be hopeful and look a fool than cold and bitter. Don't get me wrong. I'm a pessimist. But I choose to live like an optimist and hope for the best. :)
It's happier that way.

Adventure

Let's drive to the ocean.
Let's get lost.
Pack a picnic.
Hike off the path.
Sleep in a tent up in the mountains.
Sleep under the stars.
Paint an important message.
Leave surprises on porches.
Throw parties all alone.
Dance in the dark.
Jump into water too deep.
Spend our time on the water.
Choose life over sleep.

Wanderlust vs lost

"Not all who wander are lost." -J.R.R Tolkien

It hit me sometime in the last day I had gotten some things confused. There were two things going on: 1. A strange urge to wander freely on this earth. A nomad. A slave to nothing but the sea and wind. 2. An urge to get away from the things here. And in that an avoidance of a God who saved me and a family that loves me and people I convinced myself I hated.

I had thrown the two together in a clash of thoughts that were bound to drown me. I could hardly finish a sentence without contradicting myself. "I love people, I want to see the way they live and meet them and hear their stories."
"I hate people. I want to be isolated on my boat."
"I want to see the world!"
"I want to quit life. Fuck it all. Disappear."

I do in some sense want to "run" but lot from anything! To something.
I do want to disappear, not to not be found, but to find myself!

I was not made for American living as most live it. But I love people here. I trust god put me here for this time. I trust he's leading me to an adventure. Until then though, I should be living a adventure and loving the people I'm with here!
They are fascinating.
And enchanting.
And interesting.
They think and feel.

I have regained balance. I am at peace with my restless soul.

I was only pretending

I was pretending I loved you.
Pretending it hurt.
Pretending that I missed you.
Life is better with you gone.
I was lying when I called to fix things.
Lied when I said we could be friends.
I wanted to kick you out. When you made me cry.
I was pretending it was ok.
I was only pretending.

I chose happy

Life is not as complex as people make it.
In fact, it's as simple as we make it. These are the things that help me be (somewhat) sane in a crazy world.

1: People around you, they have allllll kinds of things, past and present, making them act the way they do. They may not make sense to you, so you can't expect them to. If you rely on someone else's opinion of you or reaction to you, you're destined to be confused and miserable.
I'm not saying you can't be hurt by them. Be hurt. They hurt you. They, in all their past hurt and current stresses hurt you. Decide to confront it or let it go.
2: You're reaction is a choice. You're attitude is your choice. You're feelings, not so much, but you get to decide if your feelings will manage your life.
3: Decide who is worth fighting for. I know people think I'm taken advantage of in some of my friendships. I don't see it like that. My friendships bless me. Even the hard, unbalanced, shitty ones. God is my blessing. The rest, that's a bonus. I was called to be a blessing, not find blessing. He promised that. I aim to bless in all my relationships, not gain. How sad is it that we live in a world were love is given with the expectation we would receive and if we don't we think we're being used?? Give. And give. And give. Take others burdens. God will handle yours! He will send others to love you. But give freely! Expectations will destroy your relationships. I know I can handle being that in my relationships. I'm not being used or played. I know and see what's happening. I draw the line when it becomes inappropriate or I think I'm encouraging something wrong in someone, but most people just need someone who doesn't need them to be ok.
4: If you're not happy, change something. Work for what you want, sure. But the American dream will eat your soul. I have chosen freedom. And I know the risks and challenges, but it's the life I want. I don't want to stay if I'm miserable. I know my goals, I'll work till I meet them, then I'll go!
5: Be awesome. :) thanks Alex. You showed by example what I want to be.