The most interesting man in the world

My blog is so far from the most interesting anything anywhere. It's so boring I didn't even want to read my last one to see where I stopped...what do I do about this????

Once upon a time there was a girl named Tamikaze Jay who was making this huge transition but she couldn't quite get anywhere with it. She was working and living and trying to be grown up, at the same time as being spontaneous and interesting and fun. She was failing.
Her blog sucked, her life was boring, and she didn't do much of anything with anyone.

She also thought she had to switch gyms since hers had been invaded by the evil "Dr. Luckypants" and his assistant, "Tricky Sellout." If she wasn't safe at the gym, where was she safe? Unless of course the courageous Krazy Kellogg would come with her??? To join forces against evil??? What would she do??

Then she watched a good movie (Garden State), and she hung out with cool people. Her wonderful friend Shady Gaga told her "tamakaze, the right boy will love you on days when the sun comes out of your face and on days when the sun shines out of your ass. no matter what they will love you, and fix you and make you better, make you laugh, make you cry, but its all worth it."  And Krazy Kell assured her people can love her despite being insane and she once again realized, it's all going to be ok. She's still scared, but it's getting so much better. 

Then one day a giant bear met her at the base of the apartment stairs. She was wearing her roller skates. She evaded him with her mad skating skills and kicked his ass! Then she rolled all the way to the roller derby that was that day and raced and won and they all wanted her on their teams and it was amazing. Then someone gave her millions of dollars, most of which she gave away and the rest she used to fulfill her life dreams and buy a boat and sail away with the man of her dreams. It was bad ass.

:)
Ok, so I suck at story telling....

haha.

Friday was a long day getting ready for garage sale then babysitting Stella. I worked from 8 am to midnight. Yawn. I did watch Garden State and forgot how much I love that movie. Two things:
1. I'm kind of like the main girl in that movie, Sam. Not exactly, but I am crazy insane sometimes. I think I need to let that be ok instead of hiding it. As Kyr and Sio have reminded me, someday, some boy is going to like me for me, including the crazy insane parts.

This is your one opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before, and that no one will copy throughout human existence. And if nothing else, you will be remembered as the one guy who ever did this. This one thing.- Same

2. the second. I wish there was a real infinite abyss to explore...i guess the whole point is life is like that abyss, but I would rather have a real one to figure out. :) Except I don't do caves. So maybe not...

Andrew Largeman: Hey Albert 

Albert: Yeah? 

Andrew Largeman: Good luck exploring the infinite abyss. 

Albert: Thank you, and Hey, you too 

Saturday was great. The garage sale for school was LONG and I got super sunburned, but I actually enjoyed it.  Also I only got 1 hr of sleep the night before....not enough.

Room mate love

After that I went and picked up Siobhan and headed to to barton where we met up with Kyr and Lauren.

I love barton. :)

It was a lot of fun. Then Sio and I went to eat food with her family. I LOVE FAMILY TIME!
I love it with my family.
I love it with other people's families, especially ones like that, the non-family family I have been blessed with.
Then I went home and then Anthony came over and picked me up and we went down town and hung out with some people from his work. It was a lot of fun! I enjoyed it immensely.

Sunday I actually made it to church and to family lunch.
Then I stopped and talked to Jen and Chris and Hollis since they were in their front yard. I love them. I feel like I belong in some odd, unexplainable way. It's a good feeling.

Today was boring. I went to the gym at lunch.
I thought ____ was there.
It was a false alarm.
Praise god.
I'm so paranoid now I'm going to run into _____ and it's going to be all... annoying.

Now I'm at _______ with _______ who's doing this thing were ___ can get killed, so to protect his/her identity, this is all you can know, I'm wearing their safety shower cap and using their bad ass water gun. To protect the innocent, the weak and the cowardly.
:)
Peace.

Soil, Soil: Tegan and Sara

I feel like a fool so i'm going to stop troubling you

Buried in my yard a letter to send to you

And if i forget or god forbid die too soon

Hope that you'll hear me know that i wrote to yo

The Following is Actually From Yesterday

Oh goodness. I’m behind again.

Important things:

1. Kyr’s been cooking a ton and doing most of the work around here like a dear. :) I don’t know what I would have done this week without her.

2. I went to the dr and have a double ear infection, a sinus infection, and an upper respiratory infection. Yuck. I got a shot in ass that hurt like hell and also some pills and I am feeling better already.

3. I got to hang out with my parents, and of course, the dogs. :)

I love my mom. She's such a beautiful woman of God!

An interesting thing happened when I left my parents. I almost cried. As I was backing out I threw my car into park and ran over to my dad who was throwing the tennis ball with the dogs and gave him one last hug. Luckily my sickness covered the sound in my voice that otherwise would have said “Hi, I’m 21 and have separations anxiety!”

It’s like I’m 3 years old! It came 18 years late. I never really had separation anxiety as a kid, but suddenly…. What’s wrong with me???

I though a lot about why I was feeling that way as I drove home.

I think it’s because of my more recent fear of failure.

I wasn’t scared of that as a kid. I was outgoing, I was going to ride horses and be an actress and a ballerina and a adopt a thousand kids and save the world.

Then I grew up and I kept wanting impossible things but knowing I couldn’t have them.

I developed an eating disorder because I wanted control.

I dropped out of school.

I had to borrow money.

I didn’t do most things I wanted to and still don’t feel like I can.

My parents love me anyways. They don’t care if I dream big and fall hard. They have NEVER let on that they were disappointed in me for not being perfect or for failing on things.

Being home with them and the dogs and talking about life and watching NCIS is so peaceful. I love to dream and talk to my parents about my crazy-insane-never-gonna-happen plans.

Today we were in full get ready for school garage sale mode. I am so ready for that to be over. Tomorrow I will be staying after work to get ready for it, going home to bake for it, and then going to watch Stella at her house till midnight. Then I have to come home and pull an all nighter getting some things done for mommy and a drawing for Deesha, then back to the garage sale at 7:30 am Saturday. Then an afternoon with Siobhan!!! YAY! Taking pictures and maybe swimming/tanning at barton!

After school yesterday I went to Play it Again Sports and found some rollerskates. I couldn’t afford them though.

Today when I dropped off Ari and her mom paid me, I rushed to Play it Again Sports and purchased my skates. I then came home and watched a movie, not because I wanted to watch it so much, but because I wasn’t ready to face the skates. What if I suck? What if I fall? What if I don’t like it? And as I sat there munching away at Kyrsten’s cereal she can’t eat because she’s not having sugar, I would occasionally glance over at them in the chair by the door. I was starting to have quite the stare down with them. I knew I was going to have to make nice, put them on, and stop being so damn pathetic sooner or later. “One more tangerine….let me finish the movie…wait till it gets dark so no one witnesses this….”

I pulled off the ugly pink pompoms attached to the front of them and laced them up. I decided I would take them to return my redbox movies. Hah. Making to the car was hard enough, especially the stairs…. So I drove there and came home. Then I started skating around. Slowly, falling, holding on the stair rails and walls and cars. But finally, I could skate pretty decently down the strait smooth sidewalk!! Rough ground and going slow, not so hot, but I’m getting there! It’s only day one! I’m not completely discouraged. This has to be a good sign!

Then it hit me:

Rollerskaing is not cool.

Being a roller derby girl is cool.

Wanting to be a roller derby girl is pathetic.
It’s one of those things you either got it or you don’t, at all.

So I need to make my choice:

1.     am I going to sell my skates on craigslist and quit now

2.     or am I going to do it for real, practice, and tryout?

Ugh…..

Not sure yet, Maybe I’ll give it a couple more days on the skates…and buy some wrist guards before I break something.

:D

The pink pom-poms have been removed and I'm thinking green laces and maybe even some paint...they need a name too.

Funny quotes from work this week:

Gigi: *grabbing Hollis by the front of his shirt and in a very serious voice* Hollis, there is a poisonous cattapillar over there! Be careful, I don’t want you hurt. I want you to be safe!

Stella (who is really into horny toads right now): *to our music teacher when she asked for Stella’s name* I’m horny!

Laura (music teacher): Um… what?

Stella: I’m horny! :)

Laura: Horny?

Stella: Yup. Horny. Call me Horny!

Me: She likes horny toads lately.

Laura: Ah. That makes more sense. Thank you.

All That Really Matters is I slacklined!

Today was a little long considering I'm in full blown sinus/ear infection. My body is just getting tired!
Highlight of work though, Stella was being so adorable. During outside time she even decided I was her baby and was protecting me from a dragon. She would come up and say things like:
"Ok, be safe baby, I'm going to the woods to get that dragon so he doesn't get you!"
or
"Don't worry honey, you're safe with me around!"
or
"Here sweetie bear, hold this rock and it will keep you from being scared!"
After a while though, she got cold and returned to being Stella, not my mother, curled up in my lap and told me she was going to miss me so much while I was gone for lunch. :D

Speaking of lunch, I came home and ate really gross, but cheap, can soup. Then all the snot in my system made me throw it all back up. Yuck.
Luckily for me, I have a beautiful room mate who came home and made a yummy vegetarian rice/beans/chickpea/cheese/sun dried tomato meal with home made sweet potato fries and cut up strawberries. It made me very happy after being so hungry all day!

This was not the kind I had :) But I do so love Andy Warhol!

In other news, I WENT SLACKLINING AGAIN! I was actually kind of nervous to go without Kyr for some reason. I don't know why, I know that's silly, but I was. I got there though and got a drink from Daily Juice and then joined right in. I had a lot of fun. I'm still far from good, but I'm already better than last time. I also got to snuggle with a puppy in perfect weather with good company by the lake in Austin and nothing makes me quite as happy.

I'm not this good yet...

Speaking of which, I'm going home tomorrow afternoon for a dr. appointment. I tried to live off veggie juice and see if I would just recover, but I haven't, and the kids I work with deserve better than grumpy, sinus infection teacher. I hate antibiotics, but it's better than a burst ear drum I suppose....the reason this is really exciting is a) dinner with my parents whom I love! and b) a good cuddle with Bella and Gunner before I come back to Austin.

Can't wait to see my Bella Bear!!!

Lastly, I just watched a movie that made me very angry with our government. I am not going to turn this into a rant blog where I trash the government every day. Hell, I don't even watch the news so I wouldn't have much to say, but sometimes they just really piss me off. That makes me mad, but I usually expect that from government. I don't think humans can do it perfectly. What makes me mad is that I feel like protesting is just trying to out scream someone much louder than "us" and I don't really care to be in a screaming match. I like the idea of saying what I think and making a difference, I just don't really think it works very well with our government being so big. I don't have a single answer, I just know I don't like it.
"When Benjamin Franklin left Independence Hall just after the second drafting, he was approached by a woman on the street. The woman said, 'Mr. Franklin, what manner of government have you bequeathed us?' And Franklin said, 'A republic madame, if you can keep it.'" - Fair Game (Based on a story)

This has nothing to do with anything besides the fact that I like it and it has the statue of liberty on it....

$22.12

$22.12

Yup, that's it. That's all the money in my account. After the $590 fine, the $367.50 rent/utilities, that's all that's left. I'm not worried though. In fact, I'm quite pleased with myself.

See, six months ago I couldn't pay my own rent. I could hardly leave the house. I sat on the couch with excruciating stomach pain, stress that was off the charts, and I coped by watching TV shows on Hulu for hours on end. It was pathetic, it was sad, and it is over!!

I moved, I started work, and while my life is still really challenging at times, I'm making it. I cope better, I live better, I am better.

I got the boy situation under control and am happily alone*. I got a job and saved enough to be ready for this major financial blow. I laugh. I work LOTS. Not just at my job, but also babysitting, doing laundry, washing dishes, going to the gym, juicing veggies, cooking, etc.

I've been sick this week. I have a sinus infection. I have been really frustrated by people. I got slapped in the face by a stranger. I haven't had a day off since Spring Break. I am broke.

And I am ok.

I haven't borrowed, stolen, lost my head, hid at home, too stressed to handle life. I haven't called in sick, screamed at the people making me mad, none of the above. I don't think that I'm like Oh so amazing, it's just cool to see how far I've come since January!

Singularity:

As most of you know I don't dig hipsters.

At the same time, I know how they feel. I want to be different. Everyone wants to be unique in some way or another.

I'm trying to figure out what ways I want to be unique. The more I thought about it I realized I didn't want to find the newest bands, or only watch indie films. I want to be unique by allowing myself to not give a damn about those things, and doing other things that may make me more singular. It's not even that I want so much to be different as it is that I want to live up to my own expectations....

One thing I'm not going to change about me: I am a dreamer.

I love to think about things I want to do or try and yeah, I often times never do them. I hear it so much when I tell people what I like or want to try and they make some comment about how I change my mind every week...

I'm ok with changing my mind. I stick with things when I want to, when it's a fad I think about it and move on.

I do however, want to try having a little more fortitude with things if I'm dropping them because I'm scared of failure.

So a list of things I can manage if I really want to:

1. get a pair of roller skates and use them. (This may lead to me trying out for the Texas Rollergirls. It may not. I won't call that one a manageable one yet, but I could totally rock some fish net tights and knee pads.)

2. try sound therapy.

3. go watch the Texas Rollergirls

Next Level

1. go slacklining again.

2. learn to sail with Chris. (this would be impossible but I have someone who could help me find a crew who needed/wanted help and would be willing to train me)

3. go vegetarian/raw 80% of the time

Risk Level Red

1. tryout for Rollergirls

2. go on a road trip alone and camp alone

3. write two of my own songs, get 4 i can play well, and try to find a coffee shop that will let me perform.

"Risk Level WTF are you talking about???" is located at the end! :)

In other news, I had dinner with Anthony the other night. It was really great to catch up, plus we had sushi which I adore but never have a reason to get, and he paid for more than his share.

I went home to Fredericksburg yesterday to help clear out storage with my mom, dad, Avery and Jesse. It was actually lots of fun. We found a bunch of our old journals, school work, stories, and toys. Deje vu! I was exhausted and not feeling well, but it was still a lot of fun. Then we watched this old movie called "American Dreamer." It's really funny. After the movie we discussed farting, helium, and about the time we moved on to some serious stuff I fell asleep on the couch. :)

We were so damn cute!

According to our photos and home videos, I spent most of my childhood with the most ridiculously happy look on my face. :)

I'm about to run to Deesha's to look at her wall and figure out her mural that she wants for her baby's room. I am so scared, but also excited about doing this! I hope I don't fail horribly... maybe I should add this to risk level red.

After that I'm going to babysit crazy kid with scary mom who will be there sick...gross. At least I'll get paid to help me make it through this next week!

LATER:

Ok, so I went to Deesha's and feel way more chill about doing her mural. She's so great. We talked and pet her dogs for like and hour plus.

Babysitting, was blah, but not so bad. Money is always good...

Also, I've managed to do a few things to be more "me."

1. I signed up for Austin Pets Alive! and am going to orientation soon, probably to do photography of their pets!

2. Deesha's husband is going to teach me how to be a bar tender and I'm going to try to get a job as one this summer for the weekends!!!! :D

3. I am actively looking for skates.

Favorite. I want him...he's little enough for an apartment...

Ok: Risk Level WTF are you talking about???

I want to get a place in east austin, maybe even one with commercial zoning.

I want to live there with some people, some girls and some boys. Siobhan is going to have to live there for the second part of this plan to work....

I want this kitchen.

I want her to start a bakery/cafe in the front.

I would work part time with Deesha, take a few classes, and manage the cafe.

I love the bakery in Stranger than Fiction

The group of us would garden in the back, own chickens for eggs (LeeAnn would help with this), a few pygmy goats (they are great for milking and also great pets), and three dogs.

It would be heaven.

This is from East Side Cafe, my partial inspiration. I love this bed frame for a garden bed. :)

After a few years the business would be booming and making quite a living.

I would finish school by then and work on getting montessori training.

Deesha and I are thinking about these for the school!!

With our great success, we would start a pub downtown, Siobhan's dad would of course quit his day job to help, seeing how he's so very scottish and would be PERFECT as it.

I would be pretty great myself, having worked as a bartender part-time for a while.

After that becomes amazingly successful I would write a book based on my blog about our journey to entrepreneurship.

The sale of this book would pay for the opening of my first school.

Also, by now I would have a very attractive husband and look more like Maggie Gyllenhaal.

Hahahahahaahahahaha.

Haha.

hah...hah.haha..

Hot. She's so cool. UGH.

*from up there, on being alone

Adele: Right as Rain

Who wants to be right as rain it's better when something is wrong

You get excitement in your bones and everything you do is a game

When night comes and you're on your own you can say I chose to be alone

Who wants to be right as rain it's harder when you're on top

'Cause when hard work don't pay off and I'm tired

There ain't no room in my bed as far as I'm concerned

So wipe that dirty smile off,

We won't be making up I've cried my heart out

And now I've had enough of love

Also:

The Big Pink: Velvet

I've seen it in my hands, burn in my heart

Seen it in my past, back in my home

But does it make sense to see her again?

I don't, know

I felt it for some time, and not at all

Poison in my head, god love hurts

I'm not looking for love, but it's hard to resist

I don't recall being this dead

...

These arms of mine

Don't mind who they hold

So should I maybe, Just leave love alone

You call out my name, for the love you need

But you wont find it in me