The Following is Actually From Yesterday

Oh goodness. I’m behind again.

Important things:

1. Kyr’s been cooking a ton and doing most of the work around here like a dear. :) I don’t know what I would have done this week without her.

2. I went to the dr and have a double ear infection, a sinus infection, and an upper respiratory infection. Yuck. I got a shot in ass that hurt like hell and also some pills and I am feeling better already.

3. I got to hang out with my parents, and of course, the dogs. :)

I love my mom. She's such a beautiful woman of God!

An interesting thing happened when I left my parents. I almost cried. As I was backing out I threw my car into park and ran over to my dad who was throwing the tennis ball with the dogs and gave him one last hug. Luckily my sickness covered the sound in my voice that otherwise would have said “Hi, I’m 21 and have separations anxiety!”

It’s like I’m 3 years old! It came 18 years late. I never really had separation anxiety as a kid, but suddenly…. What’s wrong with me???

I though a lot about why I was feeling that way as I drove home.

I think it’s because of my more recent fear of failure.

I wasn’t scared of that as a kid. I was outgoing, I was going to ride horses and be an actress and a ballerina and a adopt a thousand kids and save the world.

Then I grew up and I kept wanting impossible things but knowing I couldn’t have them.

I developed an eating disorder because I wanted control.

I dropped out of school.

I had to borrow money.

I didn’t do most things I wanted to and still don’t feel like I can.

My parents love me anyways. They don’t care if I dream big and fall hard. They have NEVER let on that they were disappointed in me for not being perfect or for failing on things.

Being home with them and the dogs and talking about life and watching NCIS is so peaceful. I love to dream and talk to my parents about my crazy-insane-never-gonna-happen plans.

Today we were in full get ready for school garage sale mode. I am so ready for that to be over. Tomorrow I will be staying after work to get ready for it, going home to bake for it, and then going to watch Stella at her house till midnight. Then I have to come home and pull an all nighter getting some things done for mommy and a drawing for Deesha, then back to the garage sale at 7:30 am Saturday. Then an afternoon with Siobhan!!! YAY! Taking pictures and maybe swimming/tanning at barton!

After school yesterday I went to Play it Again Sports and found some rollerskates. I couldn’t afford them though.

Today when I dropped off Ari and her mom paid me, I rushed to Play it Again Sports and purchased my skates. I then came home and watched a movie, not because I wanted to watch it so much, but because I wasn’t ready to face the skates. What if I suck? What if I fall? What if I don’t like it? And as I sat there munching away at Kyrsten’s cereal she can’t eat because she’s not having sugar, I would occasionally glance over at them in the chair by the door. I was starting to have quite the stare down with them. I knew I was going to have to make nice, put them on, and stop being so damn pathetic sooner or later. “One more tangerine….let me finish the movie…wait till it gets dark so no one witnesses this….”

I pulled off the ugly pink pompoms attached to the front of them and laced them up. I decided I would take them to return my redbox movies. Hah. Making to the car was hard enough, especially the stairs…. So I drove there and came home. Then I started skating around. Slowly, falling, holding on the stair rails and walls and cars. But finally, I could skate pretty decently down the strait smooth sidewalk!! Rough ground and going slow, not so hot, but I’m getting there! It’s only day one! I’m not completely discouraged. This has to be a good sign!

Then it hit me:

Rollerskaing is not cool.

Being a roller derby girl is cool.

Wanting to be a roller derby girl is pathetic.
It’s one of those things you either got it or you don’t, at all.

So I need to make my choice:

1.     am I going to sell my skates on craigslist and quit now

2.     or am I going to do it for real, practice, and tryout?

Ugh…..

Not sure yet, Maybe I’ll give it a couple more days on the skates…and buy some wrist guards before I break something.

:D

The pink pom-poms have been removed and I'm thinking green laces and maybe even some paint...they need a name too.

Funny quotes from work this week:

Gigi: *grabbing Hollis by the front of his shirt and in a very serious voice* Hollis, there is a poisonous cattapillar over there! Be careful, I don’t want you hurt. I want you to be safe!

Stella (who is really into horny toads right now): *to our music teacher when she asked for Stella’s name* I’m horny!

Laura (music teacher): Um… what?

Stella: I’m horny! :)

Laura: Horny?

Stella: Yup. Horny. Call me Horny!

Me: She likes horny toads lately.

Laura: Ah. That makes more sense. Thank you.