$22.12

$22.12

Yup, that's it. That's all the money in my account. After the $590 fine, the $367.50 rent/utilities, that's all that's left. I'm not worried though. In fact, I'm quite pleased with myself.

See, six months ago I couldn't pay my own rent. I could hardly leave the house. I sat on the couch with excruciating stomach pain, stress that was off the charts, and I coped by watching TV shows on Hulu for hours on end. It was pathetic, it was sad, and it is over!!

I moved, I started work, and while my life is still really challenging at times, I'm making it. I cope better, I live better, I am better.

I got the boy situation under control and am happily alone*. I got a job and saved enough to be ready for this major financial blow. I laugh. I work LOTS. Not just at my job, but also babysitting, doing laundry, washing dishes, going to the gym, juicing veggies, cooking, etc.

I've been sick this week. I have a sinus infection. I have been really frustrated by people. I got slapped in the face by a stranger. I haven't had a day off since Spring Break. I am broke.

And I am ok.

I haven't borrowed, stolen, lost my head, hid at home, too stressed to handle life. I haven't called in sick, screamed at the people making me mad, none of the above. I don't think that I'm like Oh so amazing, it's just cool to see how far I've come since January!

Singularity:

As most of you know I don't dig hipsters.

At the same time, I know how they feel. I want to be different. Everyone wants to be unique in some way or another.

I'm trying to figure out what ways I want to be unique. The more I thought about it I realized I didn't want to find the newest bands, or only watch indie films. I want to be unique by allowing myself to not give a damn about those things, and doing other things that may make me more singular. It's not even that I want so much to be different as it is that I want to live up to my own expectations....

One thing I'm not going to change about me: I am a dreamer.

I love to think about things I want to do or try and yeah, I often times never do them. I hear it so much when I tell people what I like or want to try and they make some comment about how I change my mind every week...

I'm ok with changing my mind. I stick with things when I want to, when it's a fad I think about it and move on.

I do however, want to try having a little more fortitude with things if I'm dropping them because I'm scared of failure.

So a list of things I can manage if I really want to:

1. get a pair of roller skates and use them. (This may lead to me trying out for the Texas Rollergirls. It may not. I won't call that one a manageable one yet, but I could totally rock some fish net tights and knee pads.)

2. try sound therapy.

3. go watch the Texas Rollergirls

Next Level

1. go slacklining again.

2. learn to sail with Chris. (this would be impossible but I have someone who could help me find a crew who needed/wanted help and would be willing to train me)

3. go vegetarian/raw 80% of the time

Risk Level Red

1. tryout for Rollergirls

2. go on a road trip alone and camp alone

3. write two of my own songs, get 4 i can play well, and try to find a coffee shop that will let me perform.

"Risk Level WTF are you talking about???" is located at the end! :)

In other news, I had dinner with Anthony the other night. It was really great to catch up, plus we had sushi which I adore but never have a reason to get, and he paid for more than his share.

I went home to Fredericksburg yesterday to help clear out storage with my mom, dad, Avery and Jesse. It was actually lots of fun. We found a bunch of our old journals, school work, stories, and toys. Deje vu! I was exhausted and not feeling well, but it was still a lot of fun. Then we watched this old movie called "American Dreamer." It's really funny. After the movie we discussed farting, helium, and about the time we moved on to some serious stuff I fell asleep on the couch. :)

We were so damn cute!

According to our photos and home videos, I spent most of my childhood with the most ridiculously happy look on my face. :)

I'm about to run to Deesha's to look at her wall and figure out her mural that she wants for her baby's room. I am so scared, but also excited about doing this! I hope I don't fail horribly... maybe I should add this to risk level red.

After that I'm going to babysit crazy kid with scary mom who will be there sick...gross. At least I'll get paid to help me make it through this next week!

LATER:

Ok, so I went to Deesha's and feel way more chill about doing her mural. She's so great. We talked and pet her dogs for like and hour plus.

Babysitting, was blah, but not so bad. Money is always good...

Also, I've managed to do a few things to be more "me."

1. I signed up for Austin Pets Alive! and am going to orientation soon, probably to do photography of their pets!

2. Deesha's husband is going to teach me how to be a bar tender and I'm going to try to get a job as one this summer for the weekends!!!! :D

3. I am actively looking for skates.

Favorite. I want him...he's little enough for an apartment...

Ok: Risk Level WTF are you talking about???

I want to get a place in east austin, maybe even one with commercial zoning.

I want to live there with some people, some girls and some boys. Siobhan is going to have to live there for the second part of this plan to work....

I want this kitchen.

I want her to start a bakery/cafe in the front.

I would work part time with Deesha, take a few classes, and manage the cafe.

I love the bakery in Stranger than Fiction

The group of us would garden in the back, own chickens for eggs (LeeAnn would help with this), a few pygmy goats (they are great for milking and also great pets), and three dogs.

It would be heaven.

This is from East Side Cafe, my partial inspiration. I love this bed frame for a garden bed. :)

After a few years the business would be booming and making quite a living.

I would finish school by then and work on getting montessori training.

Deesha and I are thinking about these for the school!!

With our great success, we would start a pub downtown, Siobhan's dad would of course quit his day job to help, seeing how he's so very scottish and would be PERFECT as it.

I would be pretty great myself, having worked as a bartender part-time for a while.

After that becomes amazingly successful I would write a book based on my blog about our journey to entrepreneurship.

The sale of this book would pay for the opening of my first school.

Also, by now I would have a very attractive husband and look more like Maggie Gyllenhaal.

Hahahahahaahahahaha.

Haha.

hah...hah.haha..

Hot. She's so cool. UGH.

*from up there, on being alone

Adele: Right as Rain

Who wants to be right as rain it's better when something is wrong

You get excitement in your bones and everything you do is a game

When night comes and you're on your own you can say I chose to be alone

Who wants to be right as rain it's harder when you're on top

'Cause when hard work don't pay off and I'm tired

There ain't no room in my bed as far as I'm concerned

So wipe that dirty smile off,

We won't be making up I've cried my heart out

And now I've had enough of love

Also:

The Big Pink: Velvet

I've seen it in my hands, burn in my heart

Seen it in my past, back in my home

But does it make sense to see her again?

I don't, know

I felt it for some time, and not at all

Poison in my head, god love hurts

I'm not looking for love, but it's hard to resist

I don't recall being this dead

...

These arms of mine

Don't mind who they hold

So should I maybe, Just leave love alone

You call out my name, for the love you need

But you wont find it in me