Not my Year

Today has totally and completely sucked face. Ugh. OK. It could have been worse, there were a few good things. I actually tried really really hard to be happy today. I would like to say I've been trying really damn hard for a while... it just proved too difficult today. I don't want to be sad and angry anymore! Lordy.

To start out I had dream all night that the cops where coming for me and John Malkovich was offering to bail me out fir sexual favors and I was stealing Vanilla Dr. Pepper that in my dream I was super obsessed with. Needless to say I woke up feeling less than restful.

I had that sick feeling in my stomach all day.

Deesha and I both got a headache because everyone was being so loud today. It was like every kid drank coffee on the way to school this morning.

Then at lunch I went to take care of my warrant.

I call the office before I go in and talk to a woman who I won't name here. She told me all I needed was an ID and that was it.

I show up. They take my purse and everything and I feel like a total criminal. The same woman I talked to on the phone is at the desk.

We discuss the basics. She was super rude. Then-

Her: Would you like to see a judge instead. You have a good case?

Me: I have to get back to work...

Her: He's available now. It doesn't take that long.

Me: Um. Ok sure.

Her: OK, you have to pay $1,000 dollars bond first.

Me: Why?

Her: You know, so you don't just run off.

Me: Between here and the judge?

Her: It's policy.

Me: I see. Well I don't have that money, so I'll just pay my $531 dollars. *I get out my check book*

Her: You can't pay with a check. Cash or credid card. There's a percentage added if you pay with credit card. You can just run to the bank real fast.

(this place is like 40 min drive from my bank)

Me: Well at that point I would be out of time for my work break and out of gas in my car.

Her: Hmm. Well then credit card.

Me: You know, when I called this would have been helpful to know. *at this point I'm like sobbing*

Her: You know, you should have thought of that before you broke the law.

Me: Wow. You are such a bitch.

Her: Don't get angry at me for your bad choices.

Me: Oh whatever, I hope you go to hell.

Blah blah blah.

*I then sit and cry while she does some paper work and this cop comes over to tell me I'm going to fine and then he came back and offered to get me some water and then like 30+ people there sat watching me sob. Awkward.*

Her: Ok miss Rowton, here you go. Have a good day. *Sarcastic tone and fake smile*

Me: *Fake smile* Fuck you very much.

I then stormed off crying.

It was humiliating and horrible and depressing.

Blahkjh.

Then I cried some more.

Went back to work.

Then I went to hampton and ate and then watched a scary movie and then shit got weird and horrible and everything went to pot, like it always does there. I hate that house. We do not get along.

I hate that I don't know how to protect everyone and make everyone happy. It's like I think I'm doing the right thing and then things get all messed up and I don't know what happened or how to fix it.

And somehow, I end up getting hurt and crying all the way home and yeah...

drama blog!

I'm going to the gym now. At 1:30 in the morning.

And by the time I get back it will all make sense.

The gym makes everything better.

The good things about this day:

1. I thought I wasn't going to have anything to eat today but then a mom brought us pumpkin bread and Deesha and I made salsa with the kids and ate it with chips and peter made steak and salad. Three meals. Thank you Jesus.

2. I no longer have to be scared of every cop.

3. I'm working enough to pay rent!

4. the weather was great.

5. starfish hugs.

6. I have a dad that doesn't judge me when I call and cry and tell him I "want to punch that fucking lady's head in." I have a good dad.

Yup. That's it.

I just need to get some control back in my life!

Song: Not Your Year: The Weepies

Scattered shadows on a wall, you watch the long light fall
Some impressions stay and some will fade
Tattered shoes outside your door, clothes all on the floor
Your life feels like the morning after all year long.

Every day it starts again
You cannot say if you're happy
You keep trying to be
Try harder, maybe this is not your year.

Movies, TV screens reflect just what you expected
There's a world of shiny people somewhere else
Out there following their bliss
living easy, getting kissed
while you wonder what else you're doing wrong

Breathe through it, write a list of desires
Make a toast, make a wish, slash some tires
Paint a heart repeating, beating "don't give up, don't give up, don't give up."

Song dua: Horses: Dala

I am the girl who won't let go
I live in my house and I don't like my photos
And I hate the sound of the world outside
And I still haven't found my place to hide

But I saw horses from my window
They were watching all the cars go
And they don't care that I am broken
Close my eyes and run beside them

I saw horses from my window
They were watching all the cars go
And they don't care that I am broken
Close my eyes and run beside them

Through the valleys and the pastures
And I know you'll never find me
'cause I'm already free,
And I'm already free

Song 3: New Romantic: Laura Marling (I am in love with song!)

and I'm sorry to which ever man should meet my sorry state,
watch my steady lonesome gait and beware.
I would never love a man 'cause love and pain go hand in hand
and I can't do it again.

So we stayed up late one night to try and get our problems right,
but I couldn't get into his head just what was going through my mind,
and I think he knew where I was going
he put Ryan Adams on
I think he thinks it makes me weak
it only ever makes me strong.
...

And I'm sorry to which ever man should meet my sorry state
watch my steady lonesome gait and beware,
I will never love a man 'cause I could never hurt a man in this way.
I will never love a man cause I could never hurt a man, not in this new romantic way.

The Power of Lists

I love lists. I think in lists. I make at least 3 a day at work on little slips of paper. I have a little book in my purse that is just for making lists as I think of them. I make shopping lists, to do lists, lists of goals, who I want to be, what I want to do. It's a little ridiculous. It's like if I plan my whole life I can control it. What's especially stupid about it is that I'm way too much of a spontaneous person for this to work. So I end up making a thousand lists and still being unorganized and all over the place. It's the worst possible combination of OCD and relaxed. Ugh.

Anyways, since I worked for 12.5 hours today today, I've decided to go with lists for today.

A) Colors of the day (as decided by Gigi, Amari, Hollis, and Felix)

1. Red- we planted red flowers today and put rocks we painted like ladybugs in the garden as well.

2. Blue-for the sunny sky in the afternoon.

3. Grey- for the cloudy day this morning.

4. Brown-for planting seeds in the dirt with our fingers.

B) I want to...

...get good at shooting (especially when I turn 21 and can rent guns for free on Mondays!)

...have a good 21st birthday.

...get good at slacklining (and meet and know the people around Austin who do it.

...learn how to rock climb.

...hike in/camp well and often

...run 4 miles in 38 min

...run a half marathon.

...be skinny

...save money.

...go back to school and get a degree.

C) More wedding pictures I like

D) I love these mountain towns. I want to go to them all. They are so pretty!

E) Quotes

F) make me happy

G) Decorate with yellow always.

H) I miss my dogs

I) I want to make these both.

Music of the day:

Mumford and Sons: After the Storm

After The Storm Lyrics

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and mine so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

Alpha Rev: Goodbye from The Start

Is there anybody in there to come outside and play?
Did I run around you, did you run away?
Now there is nothing left but promises to fade

Was it goodbye from the start?
Coffee on Sunday and a walk in the dark
To your beautiful sadness when you stole my heart
Was it a goodbye, goodbye from the start?

Did I ask too many questions or have I been a pest?
Is there someone in the parlor thinking they know best?
Were you afraid of waking up inside another mask?

Was it goodbye from the start?
Stranded and lost when you hopped in my car
There's a beautiful sadness when you stole my heart
Was it a goodbye, goodbye?

From the beginning of the blinded eye
And the weakened of the weakened mind
I should know wherever we're leaving
Let it go, it's just a good time

Will you please forget me?
Can you learn to try again?
Can you try again?

Was it goodbye from the start?
Coffee on Sunday and a walk in the dark
To your beautiful sadness when you stole my heart
Was it just a good time?

Was it goodbye from the start?
Now there is nothing left but promises
And the beautiful sadness when you broke my heart
Was it a goodbye, goodbye from the start?

Todays blog. Thank you Router. :)

So I felt happier yesterday than I had felt in a while. I mean really it lasted from like Friday till Monday. Woo!

I really can't describe it at all. I felt well. I felt like I liked people.

I actually do like people!

Talking to Rell I realized why it was partially.

There's this horrible zombie movie we watched one time called Dead Snow. If you like zombie movies, you have to see this one. It is cheesy and ridiculous (Natzi zombies...yeah.), lots of gore, it's really wonderful. Anyway, in this movie one of the characters has just finished killing a bunch of zombies and his girl friend walks up and touches his shoulder, freaking him out and he kills her. *Sob* Long story short, I feel like this guy. I feel like so many people I trusted hurt me, and I got to the point where I attack anyone who startles me with a chain saw. Now that I'm coming to terms with it, I'm working on being a much nicer person.

Wow let me just get really personal and gnarly. Heh. Anyways. That all kind of started to fall apart when I realized my fine had gone up since I hadn't responded to a letter sent to Hampton where I no longer live... basically I figured out a meal plan where I spend less than $1.75 a day on food. It'll be gross, but I might actually lose weight and hell, it'll be a good practice in self control. Rice and beans, ramen, tangerines for vitamins, and my homemade tomato soup. Then I get corn dogs on the weekends! Yes! Ugh. I am going to be broke for a month, so this is what I'm eating starting next Monday for 4 weeks.

So basically I was in a funk all day and super weepy and kept crying. Lame. Gross. I hate what stress does to me. It didn't help that all I had to eat was a cheese stick and a Diet Coke from the time I woke up till about an hour ago.

My day got exponentially better though when I got off work and met Kyr at Hampton. First of all, I got to see Anthony who happened to be there. I miss that boy. Second, I met Kyr there because we were going for a walk around Town Lake. This is where things got really amazing. We're crossing the bridge and see these people who are "slacklining." Slacklining is this thing where you put up a line from one tree/pole/pillar to another and you walk across it. It's really cool. The people noticed us and invited us down. We hesitated, then went. I refused to try for a while, but then finally did and after about 100 tries, walked some! After an hour or so my legs were tired, my feet dirty, and I was about to get frustrated, and I walked 5 steps slowly across!!! Then, I did it again for Kyrsten to see! I was so excited. We got the people's information and I am so doing it again!!! It was one of those things I just want to conquer now! Expect more of this, and hopefully pictures soon!

I love the song Go Away by Safety Suit. It's a good song. Today it's a very good song.

Yesterdays Blog. Thank you Router.

Monday I got up and messed around for a while. I decided to go for a run around town lake. I have never had a harder time running 3 miles. I couldn't do it at all. My arm that I gave blood from was killing me, my lungs hurt, I was coughing. It was terrible. Needless to say I ended up walking most of it. Lame. After that I went to Daily Juice and got not one, but two, drinks. Yum yum yum.

After that I went to watch Stella!! She is so freaking cute! Then I was hungry and so I went to Kirbey. There is this really awesome lady who works there who I find fascinating. She was my waitress and called me sweetie and hon and dear the whole time I was there. I love when people do that. I want to do that. I might not be cool enough to do that...

I might have cried when I left home. Mostly because I was going to miss Gunner and Bella.

Anyways. I got up surprising early the next day, 7 am in fact, and went to Fredericksburg. I had a lot of fun with my family. My dad and I discussed how I was going to be 21 soon over some beer and limes and watched late night tv.

I got a juicer. Best purchase ever!

Thursday I might have had a minor break down. I'm not going to go into it, but my mom and I ended up having a really good talk about life and how I had changed so much for the worse lately. After that we went to San Antonio together and happened upon live music and homeless people dancing. It was really cool. That night to get away I camped on my parents 24 acres. It wasn't a real camping experience, but I decided it was a decent practice. :)

Friday I woke up early (7 am again!) so I could meet Marlee at Java Ranch. I missed this girl so freaking much! Oh my gosh. Then she had to leave and McKenzie and her boyfriend Kylan showed up. I missed her too. Goodness. I need to keep up with them better....It was really good to get to know Kylan better since I've only really met him once. He's great. I had grand plans to leave for a huge adventure to Mexico but the two of them and my friend Michael convinced me not to. I did not choose to stay because of their warnings about drug cartels, human trafficking, or getting shot at. I chose to stay because I realized seeing people who love me and know me and mean so much to me, is way more important than an adventure.

I ended up going to listen to Kylan play a show that was fantastic and then watching Rango with them. Then later I met up with Marlee and Michael again and ate ice cream, drove around, laid on the gold course....it was a lot of fun.

Saturday I came home and met up with Rell and Kyr and went to a SX show at Bananarchy. Then we walked with Peter and Eric to Bright Eyes. I freaking love live music!!! I met up with Kylan there and it wasn't even awkward like I expected. What was awkward was when D and his parents were at Bananarchy. Nothing has ever ended has horribly as that relationship. He won't even look at me even though he's dating someone else. Gosh.

Anyways, people came over that night, and they came over the next night too. I'm back to liking people! That's my major life change. I'm happier. I had some kind of break through. Maybe it's D being in love with someone else? And a good amount of time away from Hampton? And seeing my old friends who love and understand me so well? I don't know. I don't care. I'm just glad I feel like I can breath again! It makes me want to be a hostess. I want people over! I want to feed people! I want to have family meals around the holidays for those who don't have family. I want to go out. I want to see people. I want to meet new people!

Dear Hampton-

You took a lot. You made me scared of people. You made me bitter and mean and horrible. I have decided that I'm not giving you that power. I would like to just like to let you know that I'm done. I win. I hope you don't become a creepy cult house. I hope you have a different effect on the other people who live there. I hope you burn down. (Kidding...maybe.) Farewell, and fuck you very much.

-Tamara

Blah blah blah.

Pajama day at work. :) I love Deesha.

Funny evening at the house. I love laughing.

Blue October. I love cheesy wonderful music.

Headache. I love drugs.

Almost peeing my pants on the floor. I love Photobooth.

Last, but not least. My sister just called. They got issued a warrant for my arrest. Awesome. There goes my next paycheck. Taking care of that. :P

5:17 am: A Collection of Short Stories by:Tamara

the only real interesting thing from this week: is here

Bah. I am not feeling at all interesting or creative.

Maybe because it's 5 am and I am awake.

alone

in my apartment.

I cant think in full thoughts when I am this tired. UUUGGGGHHH.

Expect more typos than normal kyrsten. I'm only half awake.

Recap. Just the interesting stories:

Friday (aka the saga about how I have the best boss ever)

I awoke on Friday morning and looked at my clock. I couldn't quite focus. Everything was still blurry. "8:10" I read. Then from my mouth came a string of profanities I'll spare you. I am supposed to get to work at 8:15 and it takes me between 20-25 min to get there. I throw on some jeans, brush my teeth, and text Deesha "I woke up late. So sorry. I'll stay late!" I walk into work at 8:30. Deesha looks at the clock and goes, "Oh my gosh, 15 min does not even count. You're fine. I thought you meant late late." *I exhale a sigh of relief as I realize I'm not going to be fired. Hell, I'm not even going to get a lecture.* Then, she gives me my check. In the envelope is a gift card for target with a note thanking me for my hard work from her and her husband Adam. :) I have liked some of my old bosses, but it's great to be appreciated.

Boys:

Well, all I know is they are confusing as shit. All of them. We give off mixed signals? Psh. Maybe it's because they've all taken up acting like girls, but they still only know how to think with their dicks? Really, I'm not trying to be mean. I honestly, deep down, am a hopeless romantic. The problem is, I need a man with more cajones than I have. This shouldn't be hard people! Lord. Anyways. I'll spare you the nitty gritty details.

Bloody Saturday:

First of all. Kyr and John left. I brought them together so if anything goes wrong I will so feel responsible.

I also got up at 7 am to take Amari to a birds of prey show. It sounds really lame...and it probably was...but i actually liked it a little. I mean falcons flying like inches from your face, is cool.

Also, little mini baby owls. Aw. I want one.

Then after that, I did what I haven't been able to do, I gave blood! Mike, the guy who took my blood, was really funny. I have never had anyone able to find my vein the first time. I informed him of this. His response:

"Well, not only have I done this quite a bit, but I also did it in Iraq. In the back of moving trucks, in the middle of the night, with night vision goggles, with people firing at us. I could literally, do it with my eyes closed."

"Damn. Ok. Well then. I trust I'm in good hands."

Needless to say got it on the first try. He was more than friendly, him and the other young guy there kept bringing me water and blankets and checking on me...heh.

Why can I only go once every two months??? It was awesome! ;)

Not so much the part where I tried to climb my stairs to get to my apartment. Then I felt all woozy and crappy and laid on the couch watching Bones all evening.

Alone:

I have not rigged my apartment so that if any door opens while I'm sleeping things will fall off of shelves just because I'm alone all week.

And by "I have not" I mean "I most certainly have!"

Not in a paranoid way...just in a, "if someone comes in I want to have some warning so I can kick their sorry ass" way.

It's no big deal.

Daylight savings:

Total fail. I actually get up for church this Sunday because I can't go next Sunday, and as I'm walking out the front door all showered and dressed, I realize my phone says 10:45.

"How can this be?" I think, knowing I got up at 9 am. "It is not possible it took me an hour and 45 min to get ready!" Then it hits me. When you live alone and don't see people the day before...yeah. anyways.

I still got to have lunch with my family. So it's all good.

Desperate:

Tomorrow begins spring break plans. I will not sit in my apartment all week till I go mad! Today was one thing considering I feel like shit thanks to donating my life source to save lives.

No more.

Tomorrow-

I run

town lake

and I go somewhere new

and I meet someone new

and I do one thing worth actually talking about.

Lots to catch up on!

Ok. Expect loooong. I wrote one yesterday but, thank you shitty internet, wasn’t able to upload it. So this is day three without blogging! Oh goodness. Not acceptable.

Tuesday I came home and had a killer migraine. I messed around for a while, took lots of meds, had a bath, and went to bed. I have nothing exciting to report there. The only good thing that happened was I talked to Sean on the phone and HE’S COMING TO AUSTIN!!! :) I can’t wait to see him. I miss him lots.

Post my egging.

Yesterday was only slightly better. During lunch break I went to Home Depot and bought seeds. I started them with paper towels and plastic bags…maybe I’ll get lucky and manage to grow herbs in my little apartment.

I stayed an hour late after work yesterday to clean the back room for Deesha. She’s been stressed about it and she is SO pregnant. I decided she needed help. :) I didn’t tell her I stayed that late. I signed out at 5 like normal. I then came home to try to get dinner ready before Kyr came home from work. She ended up going to Bennu so I ate alone. I tried to think of something interesting and free to do, but I couldn’t, so I stayed home and cleaned and organized some stuff, drank lots of hot tea…planned…then I went to bed.

Planning For Spring Break: (ONLY ONE MORE DAY TO GO!)

1. Well I have lots of babysitting to do so that should be EXCITING. Woo.

2. Breck texted me today and we’re making plans to see Vinny when he comes home for two weeks leave!!!! I am so excited!

3. I plan on eating an avocado and then trying to grow the seed in water. Supposedly you can grow a little mini tree! Lame. I know. I just am into growing things lately.

4. I want to run the 4 mile loop around town lake in 40 min.

5. I would like to loose 5 lbs. I’ve put on a few lately…which means I need to get a scale.

6. I want to eat all vegetarian unless I’m eating at someone else’s house.

7. Drive to Port A for a day; Hopefully with my parents. :)

8. Camp at least one night ALONE

9. Borrow Oma’s camera for a day

10. See Luke Andrews!!!!!!!! Miss that boy so so so so much!

11. Go Kayaking at least once

12. Not eat any sweets except for the one thing I bake

13. Bake. :)

14. No eating out unless it’s to meet up with someone I haven’t seen.

15. Go to the gym at least twice!

16. Do something active everyday!

17. Take a picture a day

18. NOT sit around bored. Go out and at least take a walk if nothing else.

After work today I went for a 2 mile run. 7.30 min/mile! It's not perfect, and only 2 miles, but still, better than I've been doing. I did pay the consequences though. My jaw started hurting, my lungs hurt, I almost threw up, and I coughed for like an hour afterward. Lame. It was corndog night at the apartment. Just what I wanted post run. :) hmmmmm. Then out of sheer desperation to get out, and since Kyr was out dancing the night away, I took pictures down town and then came to Bennu! I could totally write a "How to avoid getting raped" book. (I hope my parents/sister never read this ever.) Also, side note, I saw a UFO. Not that I think it was aliens, but it was sure as hell not a helicopter or plane. I'm not crazy or on drugs either.

This was actually harder than you would think...

Now I'll leave you with these:

i like feet wedding pictures.

open back wedding dress=love

this is great on SO many levels.

quite possibly my favorite wedding picture ever. rain. check. teal boat. check. umbrella. check. love. check.

She's awesome. I love Abby. :)

I also really like her. She's in quite a few funny/good movies.

Hot boy plus baby. YUM.

OH MY GOSH! This. This is funny funny funny.

Last one:

I do not have a hate list. I do not hate all people. I really only dislike a few people in the world. I simply follow, to some degree, this idea. I want to be happy and live my life to the fullest. If you chose to be dramatic, manipulative, or hurtful, my life is too short for that. I try not to hurt others as I live this idea out, but I'm not going to put effort into people, christians especially, who drain me. I want to love God and love others. I can do that without surrounding myself with people who make my life a shit-fest.