Not my Year

Today has totally and completely sucked face. Ugh. OK. It could have been worse, there were a few good things. I actually tried really really hard to be happy today. I would like to say I've been trying really damn hard for a while... it just proved too difficult today. I don't want to be sad and angry anymore! Lordy.

To start out I had dream all night that the cops where coming for me and John Malkovich was offering to bail me out fir sexual favors and I was stealing Vanilla Dr. Pepper that in my dream I was super obsessed with. Needless to say I woke up feeling less than restful.

I had that sick feeling in my stomach all day.

Deesha and I both got a headache because everyone was being so loud today. It was like every kid drank coffee on the way to school this morning.

Then at lunch I went to take care of my warrant.

I call the office before I go in and talk to a woman who I won't name here. She told me all I needed was an ID and that was it.

I show up. They take my purse and everything and I feel like a total criminal. The same woman I talked to on the phone is at the desk.

We discuss the basics. She was super rude. Then-

Her: Would you like to see a judge instead. You have a good case?

Me: I have to get back to work...

Her: He's available now. It doesn't take that long.

Me: Um. Ok sure.

Her: OK, you have to pay $1,000 dollars bond first.

Me: Why?

Her: You know, so you don't just run off.

Me: Between here and the judge?

Her: It's policy.

Me: I see. Well I don't have that money, so I'll just pay my $531 dollars. *I get out my check book*

Her: You can't pay with a check. Cash or credid card. There's a percentage added if you pay with credit card. You can just run to the bank real fast.

(this place is like 40 min drive from my bank)

Me: Well at that point I would be out of time for my work break and out of gas in my car.

Her: Hmm. Well then credit card.

Me: You know, when I called this would have been helpful to know. *at this point I'm like sobbing*

Her: You know, you should have thought of that before you broke the law.

Me: Wow. You are such a bitch.

Her: Don't get angry at me for your bad choices.

Me: Oh whatever, I hope you go to hell.

Blah blah blah.

*I then sit and cry while she does some paper work and this cop comes over to tell me I'm going to fine and then he came back and offered to get me some water and then like 30+ people there sat watching me sob. Awkward.*

Her: Ok miss Rowton, here you go. Have a good day. *Sarcastic tone and fake smile*

Me: *Fake smile* Fuck you very much.

I then stormed off crying.

It was humiliating and horrible and depressing.

Blahkjh.

Then I cried some more.

Went back to work.

Then I went to hampton and ate and then watched a scary movie and then shit got weird and horrible and everything went to pot, like it always does there. I hate that house. We do not get along.

I hate that I don't know how to protect everyone and make everyone happy. It's like I think I'm doing the right thing and then things get all messed up and I don't know what happened or how to fix it.

And somehow, I end up getting hurt and crying all the way home and yeah...

drama blog!

I'm going to the gym now. At 1:30 in the morning.

And by the time I get back it will all make sense.

The gym makes everything better.

The good things about this day:

1. I thought I wasn't going to have anything to eat today but then a mom brought us pumpkin bread and Deesha and I made salsa with the kids and ate it with chips and peter made steak and salad. Three meals. Thank you Jesus.

2. I no longer have to be scared of every cop.

3. I'm working enough to pay rent!

4. the weather was great.

5. starfish hugs.

6. I have a dad that doesn't judge me when I call and cry and tell him I "want to punch that fucking lady's head in." I have a good dad.

Yup. That's it.

I just need to get some control back in my life!

Song: Not Your Year: The Weepies

Scattered shadows on a wall, you watch the long light fall
Some impressions stay and some will fade
Tattered shoes outside your door, clothes all on the floor
Your life feels like the morning after all year long.

Every day it starts again
You cannot say if you're happy
You keep trying to be
Try harder, maybe this is not your year.

Movies, TV screens reflect just what you expected
There's a world of shiny people somewhere else
Out there following their bliss
living easy, getting kissed
while you wonder what else you're doing wrong

Breathe through it, write a list of desires
Make a toast, make a wish, slash some tires
Paint a heart repeating, beating "don't give up, don't give up, don't give up."

Song dua: Horses: Dala

I am the girl who won't let go
I live in my house and I don't like my photos
And I hate the sound of the world outside
And I still haven't found my place to hide

But I saw horses from my window
They were watching all the cars go
And they don't care that I am broken
Close my eyes and run beside them

I saw horses from my window
They were watching all the cars go
And they don't care that I am broken
Close my eyes and run beside them

Through the valleys and the pastures
And I know you'll never find me
'cause I'm already free,
And I'm already free

Song 3: New Romantic: Laura Marling (I am in love with song!)

and I'm sorry to which ever man should meet my sorry state,
watch my steady lonesome gait and beware.
I would never love a man 'cause love and pain go hand in hand
and I can't do it again.

So we stayed up late one night to try and get our problems right,
but I couldn't get into his head just what was going through my mind,
and I think he knew where I was going
he put Ryan Adams on
I think he thinks it makes me weak
it only ever makes me strong.
...

And I'm sorry to which ever man should meet my sorry state
watch my steady lonesome gait and beware,
I will never love a man 'cause I could never hurt a man in this way.
I will never love a man cause I could never hurt a man, not in this new romantic way.