Caramel Delights, Weight Loss Spite

Ok, just need to get this off my chest.

I admit I am a total facebook creep. If you are a thin and attractive female, (and you don't have you settings set at private) I have probably stalked you. It's a horrible awful habit. Today I was in a bad mood and decided to stalk R________ girls. They're all grossly attractive... I'm going through some profile pics and I'm like, look, I know you went to the most expensive school ever and you're really hot and all the boys want to _____ you, but there are some things you shouldn't do even if you are hot, rich, and/or seductive.
1) don't ever make the caption on your photo about how pretty, sexy, or "hawt" you are/look in the photo
2) don't spell it hawt.
3) don't comment on every profile picture of your best friend about how you're their best friend, bestie, or bff. Desperate and needy much?
4) eat. it's good for you. and the rest of us...

A mild example. This was the first one I clicked.

Sigh. Sorry. I just had to rant. Today was really good. It didn't start that way but was completely redeemed. :)

Woke up with a migraine. Working with 14 kids and a migraine is a really bad combination. I mean, nothing really goes great with migraines, but screaming kids is a definite no. By the time I got off for lunch I went to HEB, got some food and most importantly Cherry Coke Zero. A.K.A. my life source. (no, it's not my heart, I sold that because hearts suck and coke zero is just better and far more consistent and far less fragile.) then crashed on the floor, took a billion excedrine and ibuprofen, and passed out. I woke feeling much much much better. :) Thanks Ben for your concern!

Way to go mom and dad. Kids can be no fun sometimes.

Work this afternoon was pretty great. Lot's of kids are sick/getting sick so lots of crying and yelling and then wanting to be held and cuddled. Poor kids. I'm glad it's going to be a 4 day weekend, not only for me, but also for them. I think they need it. After that I headed home to meet Siobhan! I hadn't seen her in forever and she came bearing the most amazing gift ever! CLOTHES! If you don't know her, she has fantastic taste, mostly because it's similar to mine, (kidding!) and I inherited SO much good stuff. It was time to get new clothes too and I feel like lots of it was more me than some of the clothes I have. Even better than the clothes was getting to spend time with her. We are so much alike it's scary sometimes. It's good to know that even if we don't talk for long periods of time it would take something really awful to keep us apart. By something awful I mean death or cheating with the other one's husband. :) We got to talk about _________ and _________'s break up and how ____________ was not enough to keep her and I apart and how he's a _________ and how _________ should so not suck _______'s ________. I love you babe! I can't believe I forgot to take a picture while you were here! :(

New Closet with new cute clothes!!!!

Now, despite being EXHAUSTED I am somehow at Bennu again...with Kyr. :) We also had a good conversation about friendship and each other and drama and life. We had all the deep serious conversations in between discussing all the attractive, douche, and interesting boys here. Also, I have to pee really freaking bad but if I go pee I will have to talk to someone I know who is here who I have no interest in talking to whatsoever. :/

Heh. This is your one hint for whom I am avoiding.

Our traditional Bennu picture

This was Kyr's top pick...

I love her.

If I ever EVER start to think I can't be friends with either of these two girls, know that something has gone terribly wrong. Like beyond bad. I love them both way too much and want my kids to love them and I want to know their kids...

I want our grandkids to see pics like this of us. :)

Ugh. So Carmel Delights. About those.
So for some reason even thinking about how good it is to no longer have an eating disorder and celebrating that makes me start thinking unhealthy. Sunday I ate all this delicious food and then suddenly Monday I just wanted to "get back on track." That for me means eating like 400 calories and going for a run. Then Tuesday I ate even less...and went for another run. (Suddenly my migraine today and why I snapped at Kyr last night makes more sense.) So today I knew I was going to be having dinner with Siobhan and so I only ate 85 calories. I got on my SparkPeople page where you can track what you've eaten and it helps you reach goals and I looked at the tracker for the last couple days. For yesterday it went something like this: (when it says "my goals" it's the calculated amount I need)
MET MY GOALS- 0
WENT OVER MY GOALS- 0
WENT UNDER MY GOALS-
Calories: My Goal-1200-1550 Today- 223
Fat: My Goal-32-56 Today-4
Carbohydrates: My goal- 163-263 Today- 9
Protein: My goal- 60-127 Today- 10

I stared at it for a long time and just couldn't grasp it. It's like reality and the make believe world of "all numbers are adding up to make you obese" are colliding in my head. I had a moment of pure panic before deciding to go take a nap.

On my way home from work I saw the girl scouts out. Now I have seen them there every day on my way home for the last like 2 weeks. I stopped and bought some before giving myself time to think. I looked at the box of Caramel Delights in my hand the "2 cookies=140 calories" pretty much made me feel a little sick. "Just one" I thought, doing some quick math in my head. Yeah, then after one I remembered that I didn't want this for my life and ate a few more.... Then I ate dinner with Siobhan. While I felt guilty and a little disappointed in myself, I was also really happy. This is a delicate thing I'm trying to do, be healthy and not slip into starving myself. I don't know why it's so hard, but I'm glad there are things out there that make me loose my resolve. If I start saying no to Carmel delights or ice cream, worry. :D


Three Goals:

Take pictures with this and develop them myself.

Get into this dress and be able to breath

Play guitar (and get more tattoos...)

Last bit of news: I'm going home tomorrow! Yay! I miss my family! Bella and Gunner, Mom and Dad, Oma and Uncle Michael. :) So excited.

Why would you not want to go hang out with this guy?

I am so glad I talk to my mom almost everyday now. :)

Oh also, cults are bad. Please take this moment to examine your life and see if you too are part of one. Heh.

What the fuck

Horses: Dala
I am the boy who won't let go
I live in my head
and I don't look like my photos.
And I hate the sound of the world outside
'cause everybody coming here can't wait to say goodbye

And I followed your car to my childhood home
And I looked for the key hidden under the stone
And I still hear the sound in my father's voice
When he lifts me up, like I'm a little boy

But I saw horses from my window
They were watching all the cars go
And they don't care that I am broken
Close my eyes and run beside them
But I'm already free,
And I'm already free
So don't look for me here
'cause I run in my dreams

I am the girl who won't let go
I live in my house and I don't like my photos
And I hate the sound of the world outside
And I still haven't found my place to hide

But I saw horses from my window
They were watching all the cars go
And they don't care that I am broken
Close my eyes and run beside them

I saw horses from my window
They were watching all the cars go
And they don't care that I am broken
Close my eyes and run beside them

Through the valleys and the pastures
And I know you'll never find me
'cause I'm already free,
And I'm already free

So don't look for me here
'cause I run in my dreams



Jeep Song: Dresden Dolls
i've been driving around town
with my head spinning around
everywhere i look i see
your '96 jeep cherokee

you're a bully and a clown
you made me cry and put me down
after all that ive been through
you'd think i'd hate the sight of you

but with every jeep i see
my broken heart still skips a beat
i guess its just my stupid luck
that all of boston drives that same black fucking truck

it could be him or am i tripping
and i'm crashing into everything
and thinking about skipping town a while
until these cars go out of style...

i try to see it in reverse
it makes the situation hundreds of times worse
when i wonder if it makes you want to cry
every time you see a light blue volvo driving by

so dont tell me that you're off to see the world
i know you wont get very far
dont call me if you get another girl baby
just call me if you get another car

the number of them is insane
every exit's an exboyfriend memory lane
every major street's a minor heart attack
i see a red jeep and i want to paint it black

it could be him or am i tripping
and i'm crashing into everything
i can't wait til you trade that fucker in
by then they will have stuck me in the looney bin

it could be him my heart is pounding
its just no use i'm surrounded
but someday i'll steal your car and switch the gears
and drive that cherokee straight off this trail of tears