C'est la Vie, C'est la mort

Today was an emotional mess, starting at about 3 am this morning when I went to bed, only to lay in bed awake...something I spent quite a few hours doing throughout the night. My mind was going and going which really hasn't been a problem since I started blogging. I finally found my iPod and made a play list to help me chill. Instead of drifting off into peaceful slumber I cried for about an hour. Nothing makes me feel more pathetic than crying alone in bed. Makes me feel silly. I finally fell asleep only to have some creepy and horrible dreams. One of them involved D, E, J, S, and K all at Motzarts together. Now this would not have been weird if it happened in say, 10th grade, but it was current. J said something about kissing me which made S storm off, then E said something about kissing me which was a total lie and never happened but made K mad. The boys then argued for a while about stupid things until for some reason they got mad at me and K told them to throw me into the lake. I have a deep and terrible fear of deep water at night. Especially if there's something around for things to be hiding under, like a dock...ugh. So they did and it sent me into a panic attack. I woke up and spent at least 45 min to an hour trying to calm down. Then when the alarm went off this morning Kyr wanted to sleep and I lay in bed for about another hour thinking about God and church and how so many things that have happened over the last 2 years have made it hard for me to go to church.

I want to rewind. I want a chance to do Africa again. I want a chance to serve my aunt in her final months again. I want a chance to do school and do it well. I want a chance to love my mother better in high school. I want a chance to be gracious when J got what I had been promised by Avery. I want to stay in touch with people who matter, to walk away from bitterness and hurt. To reject rejection.

After we did finally get up we went to my grandparent's house for lunch. I had to listen to my Granddad's speech about why why we shouldn't adopt kids from other countries. About the part where he claimed it was watering down and weakening our good society I had to excuse myself from table. What weakens a society is ass holes who think they know everything and who chose to turn away from those in need to maintain their own well being. Please, when I do this, someone do we a favor and call me out on it.

After that, the highlight of my day, I sang with my grandma, sister, Kyr, Karen, and Mom for a while. I love singing some of my favorite music with my favorite people. So calming.

After that we went to Kyrsten's and cooked dinner and ate in quite a hurry. I think the glass of red wine was my second highlight of the day.

I feel like the world is moving and I can't quite catch up. I want to live! I want to live for other people. I want to do something thing to feed the hungry, stop human trafficking, house and orphan. I want to learn about other cultures and other languages and really love people despite being different. Bah. I sound like a cheesy commercial. aklhdfgkajshdf ;oiaurf lksdf. I have been on and off crying about this all freaking day! What is wrong with me??? Yikes.

I don't like being told stuff I already know.

I don't like when money is made into everything.

I don't like being belittled.

I don't like feeling like I have to justify myself.

I don't like being isolated.

I don't like being needy.

I don't like having an eating disorder.

I don't like thinking about life without one.

I don't like being scared.

I want to be:

someone who listens well

someone who loves well

someone with tattoos

a good photographer

a world traveler

a mother

educated

purposeful

driven

independent

good (NOT sweet)

France, India, Scotland, Libya, Ethiopia, Bangladesh, Russia, Greece.

The world is like, "Oh hi TJ, excuse me while I tear out your heart and drown you in your own apathy and lack of any strength to do anything to make a difference. Just try. Quit being so pathetic!"
"Fuck you. Leave me alone. I have work and a life. I don't have time for this emotional bullshit. Sorry. Maybe next year..."
":( Ok. Well I'll be here if you want to go on an adventure. If you actually want to try risking something again."
"No thanks. Risk has stabbed me in the back enough. I think I'll get a blender, hand strangers mean notes, and blog instead. That'll be my risk, my adenaline. I'll go to bennu when I need to get out."
"Ok....sorry."



In other news:
Hipsters are not ok. Please watch out. They're out there at a table near you. They're wearing fake glasses. And Sonic hats. They almost look cool but they mostly look down on you. Be warned. It's upon us. It's the hipster apocalypse. Arm yourselves with rational articles of clothing and refuse to buy shorts from the 80s!



Kyrsten Kelly just invited a boy (the boy from the other day) to sit at our table with us. He's right there. Like 3 ft away. Reading. Way to go Kyr. Way to add some interest to our evening.


Luke Andrews called me tonight!!!!! Miss that boy.


The pretty blonde got the full attention of the korean. She wins. Know why? Because she's a sorority girl.
Favorite text of the day:
Me: Why do guys go for that?
Kyr: Because like, omg!!!! Sorority girls are THE BEEESSSSTTTT! Ther r ttly like bff 4 life, u know? Plus they are haaawwwtttt beeeeottches!!!!
bahahahahaha. Like hipsters, shortening your words, spelling things wrong, and saying anything like tots, presh, or the like, NOT OK!

I love people watching at Bennu.

Song of the Day:
C'est La Mort: The Civil Wars

C'est la vie
C'est la mort
You and me
Forevermore

Let's walk down the road that has no end
Steal away where only angels tread
Heaven or hell or somewhere in between
Cross your heart to take me when you leave
Don't go
Please don't go
Don't go without me


A close second
The Indie Queens Are Waiting: Dan Mangan
I’m sorry that I brought it up
It’s not nice to piss you off
And I know, I know, I know
That I was poking
And sort of prodding
And kind of hoping
And always watching
For a reaction
A reaction
A reaction
A reaction
Are you watching?
Watching, are you watching?
Or just waiting to see?