If my soul is black, it's because you ate it.

Today was painfully long.

I couldn't sleep last night. Despite pulling an all nighter the night before and only getting a few hours of sleep the night before that, I still lay in bed for over an hour. This is really getting old. I think maybe it's time for one of two things:

a) resorting back to anorexia. Lord how I miss that numb.

b) going to get acupuncture. It works wonders. No numb, but at least I feel good and can sleep at night.

No one will trust me, but it really doesn't hurt a bit. I love it.

I had a really hard day at work today too. Let's just say it ended in me crying in front of my kids...being at work for 9 hours with screaming kids having one of the worst days I've had in while with most of them having the worst day I've seen my kids have...sigh. Bad combo. Days like this make me feel like I've failed at life. Kids is one of the few things I think I'm good at...not today.

I realized today I haven't taken pictures to go on here in a while. I mean a few, but not like, oh here's pictures of my day, more like, "oh shit, this blog is getting boring, I should put a picture in here...here's a picture of my take out. WOO!" Haha. It's probably because all I do is hang out with kids. All day. Then come home and do nothing. Oh no! I'm getting boring! This is bad news. I need to do more with my life! Good news: This weekend I will have stuff to talk about/take pictures of! YAY! Till then, expect nothing. I'm going to save working on being creative for when I get caught up on my sleep.

I have a goal. I need to get a second job to make it happen though. I want a camera. I would be so much more creative if I had a nice camera. I swear. My life is trying to eat my soul, my passion, my creativity, my ambition. It's slowly slipping away. It's like a candle that someone has deprived of oxygen. It doesn't have much longer! So, I will sing and dance and laugh as much as I can, get a second job, save up, buy a camera, and BE BETTER!! :D

So my life plan is so impossible. Realizing that is depressing me. But not having a plan was depressing me too. Damn it! Could I just mary for money, move to some 3rd world country to save the world and die of Dengue? That would be great thanks. I'm really not suicidal, I'm just discouraged. It's not so bad. Life is good. I just can't see past this stage in my life...

Ugh. This day.....at least now I'm at Bennu getting all this shit out of my system and having a caffeine fix. This can only make things better! :)

I know you people won't read this, but I like to think that you would find this and know it was for you. More likely than a craigslist post right?

Dear H,

Thank you for breaking me in so many ways. I would be better in so many ways if not for you. I'm going to try to look at this as a chance to rebuild better. The problem is there are a lot of things I don't know how to/how i want to rebuild them. Like after you, I don't know how to handle church. After you I don't want to handle boys. After you, the world feels...worse. I've been to Africa and seen children dying of malaria. That didn't make me doubt God, goodness of mankind, or hope, as much as you have.

Thanks

T

D-

Thanks for making me the bad guy.

Maybe I was.

I tried to be honest.

I said I was sorry.

What else did you want?

-T

D2-

I think we're not talking anymore.

Sorry my fear of commitment pushed you away.

I'm going to go with that being it, not that I plan on staying a virgin for a while.

Thank for helping me get out of the other thing.

-T

I've had this song on repeat for the last 20 min.

It's haunting.

Mumford and Sons: White Blank Page

Can you lie next to her and give her your heart, your heart?
As well as your body, and can you lie next to her and confess your love, your love?
As well as your folly and can you kneel before the king and say ‘I’m clean’, ‘I’m Clean’?
But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?
But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?
Her white blank page & a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, the brink
You desired my attention but denied my affections, affections
But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart.
But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart
Lead my to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life
Lead my to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life