"thanks for riding, please watch your step!": Fan-freaking-tastic

Hmm. What a great Sunday. Woke up before my alarm again and got to cuddle with kyr for a while. Then John and Kyr and I have a good talk about God and other things and laughed and beat each other with pillows before walking to Starbucks. I swear I could love off of light coffee fraps. Yum. After that we talked some more and then met my Mom and Dad for Wendy's! I did good all week and deserved a little reward...It was great to see my parents. I love and miss them lots. Even if my mom does lecture me for speeding and not going to church, I still love them and miss seeing them more.

One of the things that can make any day better

Last night was a lot of fun. :) I'm not a big fan of mixing friend groups, so letting John (from Fredericksburg/High School) and Kyr (Austin/College) mix was a risk. It worked out great! Before John got into town, Kyr and I went to get her nose pierced. If I thought I wanted a tattoo before, hearing the tattoo needle in the room below was like torture. Lord. Her nose looks amazing.

Tattoo I want on my left shoulder

Tattoo I want on my left foot. Kelsey is going to help me with it since she knows Arabic.

I wish I could pull off this hair.

Then we went to Kerby Lane which was right next door to satisfy my mashed potato obsession. I ate so much I though I was going to have to throw up. Really. (More on that later.) When John got into town we hung out with him and ended up...back at Kerby. Though I didn't order mashed potatoes, they did...and I of course ate them. Haha.

I am super obsessed with Beirut again lately. So good. It's like perfectly sad and emotional and happy and make-you-want-to-dance music. It sounds indie and like it's from another country far away. It inspires me. I don't care how pathetic or lame it sounds. I think that music makes things better and makes me feel better and can take some of the edge off when I feel like my life is too boring. :) Listen to Postcards From Italy and Mount Wroclai (Idle Days) and Nantes and Elephant Gun if you haven't before. Or just one of those songs. Listen to Postcards from Italy if you only listen to one.
I am also loving this song to death!

I think it applies in funny ways to my life. Thank you Siobhan for showing it to me and Kyr for reinitiating it into my recent music and Mika for being great despite being a potential threat to our children...

Ok, onto some serious deep shit. :) Woo!

I think most people who are important knew that I was having a really hard time with eating disorder stuff for about 8 months or so. It's so hard to explain and I don't expect people to understand because I still don't really understand it all...I know that after counting every calorie that entered my body, throwing up if I felt full, going to the gym for 4 hours a day, and hating myself for that long, it's hard to just walk away. I am now a normal, borderline overweight person. I eat mostly normal. I don't work out that much. No one would think that it is still a thought. I hate getting dressed. I hate shopping for clothes. There are days I feel almost normal until I realize I didn't eat breakfast or lunch. Or I realize I'm having a good day because I have only had a 45 calorie fruit bar and a diet coke. Then there are days I eat three servings of mashed potatoes and go to the bathroom and stare into the toilette for 4 minutes thinking about what it would take to throw up. If I count, I still think that I shouldn't need more than 500 calories.
The other day I forgot breakfast and drank a coke zero. I went to the gym instead of getting lunch during my lunch break and as I was changing into my tennis shoes I felt oddly giddy about working out. I hadn't been that excited in a while and realized it was because i was hungry. I love that feeling. I worked out till I felt woozy and then picked up a salad on my way home. Days like that scare me and at the same time make me wish Kyr didn't know so I could get away with more of them. I feel like I took a screaming "other" me who lived in my head and I tied her up, put tape over her mouth, and stuffed her in the closet. She's still there. I can hear her thumping around in there as I try to ignore it.
I know this all sounds silly and dramatic. It's not so bad. I'm happier now, I'm much better, I am SO thankful for the people who keep me on track and wouldn't let me go back there again (especially you Kyr and my wonderful Grandma.) I don't know what I would do with out them. :)
Today as I was looking on postsecret.com I started looking at anorexic based ones. Kyr looked over my shoulder and then checked to make sure I was ok. :) I love that girl. Good gracious.

I think I'm going to attempt this. More than likely it will look tacky and not cute if I do it, but whatever.

Anyways. Enough of that. Off to pick up Kona and go to the Kelly's for dinner. :D I Love family Sundays!!!!!! Might be taking over as my favorite day of the week.

Dinner was more amazing than I could have asked for or hoped for. Family night is so my favorite.